to tag conor maynard in every post i do so people can see my cakes more…could work. haha
this song made me want to sing again.
I love it. <3 <3
So I have (amazingly, not totally single handedly) managed to screw up the one thing that mattered most to me, and have no idea if I’ll ever get it back. And it’s killing me. Not being able to say what I really want to, squeezing him tightly and giving him a big kiss on the cheek and telling him how proud I am of him, doing the little stupid things that we used to. It’s like a part of me has just died. All I can do is hope, and stay determined to get it back. Back to where we should be.
In light of recent horrendous moments in trying to deal with the constant piles of shit that seem to just keep coming at me, I have set up a load of goals. I have no idea how some of them will work yet, thanks to legalities and also maybe needing to move house amongst other things, but here’s what I’m aiming for. And it’s this list (which by the way is in no particular order) alone that’s making me get up each day, purely cause it might just start making things better as I’ll have something else to think of.
1. Singing. I’m starting again, after about 2 years. Have finally got my mojo back and I have found someone who will help me along with this.
2. Cakes. I have wanted for a while now to start a cake business. Thanks to money constraints it’s all going slower than I’d like it to and it’s still in ‘practice’ stages, but I’m getting there, and I will eventually get it started from my little kitchen, wherever I am.
3. Sam. He’s my best friend, and if I can’t get us back to how we were, then I refuse to lose his friendship. However my primary aim is to live my life with him as he planned. To fix myself, help fix him, help fix us, then keep going from there. If none of the above work out then I don’t mind so long as this one does.
4. Friday nights. Should number 3 go horribly wrong, then I always have Friday nights in town. For those who don’t know me, I don’t usually enjoy town too much. Recently it has helped me if only for 12 hours of the day once a week to focus on something else. Even if it is what to wear when getting rat arsed…
Long and short is, I feel like chucking myself in front of a bus, but those four things are getting me through slowly.
I don’t really know what to say.
I don’t even know what to think or feel these days.
So much is changing. It’s strange. Scares the crap out of me really.
I had a plan. I don’t know that it’s the plan I still want.
But then what’s the new plan? Is there even a plan?
So the questions go on, until I figure something out. But then where do I start?
Is it understandable? That it’s not the right thing now, but I know it will be.
Once I’ve done what I need to.
Do we let it lie, or can it be revisited, in the years to come?
I can’t lose this, but I can’t keep it either.
There’s a fine line between compromise and giving in. The line is so fine, the compromise is hard to find. I haven’t yet found one. This is what scares me.
I already know the end result. I just wish it could be different…
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